Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Dear makers of bras, it's me again.

OK makers of bras ............. I know that I pick on you a lot. But SERIOUSLY?!?!
What's it gonna take to get a decent bra for a small/medium chested but big boobed girl for under $60?
It SHOULD be doable.
Here's the specs required to make this bra suitable since you seem to have ALL this wrong.
*It must come in 30, 32, 34, etc band sizes .......... DDs don't magically form only on girls with a chest of 36 or over.
*It MUST have consistent cup sizing ......... no more of this DD which might end up a C or might end up an EE ............. if there is no consistent unit of boob measurement then we might as well measure them in handfuls. Pffft.
*Some empathy for the gal hauling these chest boulders around would be nice. Do you think we love those thin little sharp edged straps you install on bras? Do you think we LIKE there to be permanent grooves notched into our shoulders from these straps digging in under the pressure? Would you like to know when bra straps started to create nerve damage into my arms???? When I was in my 20s, which is basically around the same time they stopped being able to support them selves!!!! Here's a clue, and I don't even have a physics degree, but heavy weights are best supported when the weight is evenly distributed along it's support........ this isn't rocket science ............ it isn't even "rocket science" (see what I did there? ..... 'cause sometimes boobies are referred to as rockets ......... you know in the 50s ........ but sometimes) ANYWAYS it's just common sense. PLEASE, for crying out loud, MAKE THE STRAPS WIDER!!! And it wouldn't kill you to pad the straps either.
*The cup itself must be capable of supporting soft tissue. I know you all think it should work just fine when you test it out on all those molded plastic boob mannequins in your Brassieratory but those boobs do not possess the density nor behaviour of real boobs. The top edge must, I repeat MUST, be yielding enough so that boob tissue does not squeeze out creating a second boob ....... a boob muffin top if you will. But it must also be supportive enough to keep the boob from popping out randomly when we trip, bounce, bend over, or move in any way. It must hold the girls in. Containment is key.
*As we get older they get softer, and as much as we all enjoy what is the race to see which nipple will arrive at the belly button first, we need some support. Please be aware of boob placement. They need the help. If the bra can not keep them even and at an appropriate latitude then it is not much good to us.
*The nipple needs not be noticeable. Now, let me qualify this: I am a fan of nipples. They fed my children, they give the boob leadership, they are unisex, and they really complete the boob. I think the working nipple should be whipped out wherever the mother it is attached to needs to use it to feed her baby. I scoff at the fact we have societally become so prudish about nipples ........... good grief, they're just nipples. But here's the thing. I dress in the morning while brushing my teeth and yelling (erm, sweetly calling) at my children to get up. If I could find a way to cut their lunchbox fruit at the same time I would. I don't want to have to make sure my nipples are centered .......... and there's nothing better than arriving somewhere and realizing one nipple is facing a little northerly, and the other is travelling due southeast. It just doesn't look professional. Also, no woman ever wants her nipples to act as weather barometers. No one should be able to gauge how cold it is outside when I enter the building. When I'm at work no one says "Hey, has it warmed up out there? Can you go outside so we can attempt to take the temperature with your boobs?" No, we use a thermometer. So for the love of Pete can we make the cups sufficiently lined already.
*Lastly, can we discuss colour? We're not dead yet. We may be overburdened by the girls but we're still sorta attached to them. A nice variety of colours would be nice. And stop it with the skin toned already, you're never going to get it right. Bras aren't makeup, they don't have to match our skin.
*Boobies of larger size are discriminated against at the check out. We are paying WAY too much for this equipment but yet we need it most. Enough! Find a way to make a decent bra for under $60 (I know I said this already but it bears repeating). And if you can do it for under $40 I will kiss you full on the mouth.
Thank you.

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