The gift of a nearly perfect, delightfully average, happy child.

It's spring break and I spent a near perfect day with 6 near perfect children in near perfect weather listening to near perfect moments of silliness and insight and giggles and inquiry and problem solving and bravado and warmth and ...... and ...... near perfect kids being nearly perfect.

Because perfect children, just like perfect moments don't exist ..... and in the mythical Unicorn-like moments they do? They are very very boring.

Perfect, like many things, doesn't exist and shouldn't exist.

One of the many troubles of being attached to an anxious mind and a very soft heart is how frequently that mind is set a spinning and how easily that heart is broken. And tonight, a stranger broke my heart and tore apart the near perfect serenity of my almost perfect day. She, innocently and with honest sincerity, posted a call for advice on her "gifted child". This Mom, I'm sure full of angst and earnestly wanting to do the best as a Mother, had her 6 year old child privately tested and lo! her child is "gifted" .... 99th percentile of something or other in the smarts department and juuuuuust a hint of ADHD..............

O-O <------------ this is my face. This is my WTF face. This is the face I make right before I COMPLETELY lose my shit. It's the face I'm making right now. But before I begin said loss of shit, I MUST say "I don't know what to do about this!!!" I feel awful for today's parents being scared into being scared that they must have a 6 year old evaluated and tested and ranked, and I feel awful for the enormous pressure being put on children to be a very perfect at everything and sit still while doing it or else people think they have ADHD .............. because I gotta tell you, 'gifted with a hint of ADHD' sounds like every 6 year old I have EVER met. At that age, hopefully, every child is a cerebral synaptic tornado of learning and growth and terrible at sitting still. A 6 year old's whole job is to be a terribly restless, brilliantly absorptive, and sensationally global in every thought, sense, and emotion. They are perhaps all "gifted" but due to their being 6, should we really even begin to try and guess that? At 6 they are, after all, just a doughy, sticky, curious ball of potential ....... and their destiny unwritten. Their future is wide open and I would never want to hang such a weighty label on a person so small. It seems to me one must wait a very long time and measure all the experience, knowledge, love, friendship, creation, triumph, loss, breadth, and depth a lifetime can offer before one can sum up their "gifts". It just seems to me, at 6, they're not anything. Not yet. Why must they be ANYTHING just yet?

Sigh.

I must say again "I don't know what to do about this". I don't know about a world so determined to rank children. To set them on a ladder and push them up the rungs before they're ready, to throw them into the tepid pot of water before it starts to boil .......... so they never think to jump out*. I don't know what to do about a world that expects so much achievement from children but doesn't even bother to think about expecting happiness, or balance, or fulfillment? I don't know what to do about a world that demands children learn early how to achieve but not how to live.

Sigh.

When you first held your child, you exhaled a long held breath and whispered a thanks to the Universe for delivering this child into your arms. Healthy. Breathing. Yours. And in those first moments, did you picture a future in which that child would be graded, ranked, evaluated, pushed, and ultimately celebrated as successful ..... or what? At what point is that measure of perfect success or achievement realized? Or did you simply breathe in a sweet puff of that baby's exhale from that near perfect being and wish him or her a near perfect life ... long, and peaceful, and happy?

Ah. Yes, you remember now .......... don't you?

Please resist the urge to compare, rank, evaluate, or even unravel the mysteries of the gifts your child holds inside them. Please. Unless your child is having a specific challenge, don't push. If there are areas of their development they are struggling with, help them of course. But don't make it a habit to push a child in directions they are ALREADY going. If they are bright, then they will be bright without you piling on advanced programming and accelerated syllabi. Educate yourself on appropriate developmental milestones for not just their intellectual growth but for their social/emotional well being, fine motor, gross motor, ways of knowing, and resilience. Consider them all important. You will probably discover it's more important for a 6 year to be able to make and keep a friend than to make the perfect letter 'e'. Worry less about the stuff they could 'potentially learn early' and more about all the many things they might fall behind on, or miss out on, or worse of all fail to take pleasure from if they aren't given the chance to try.

Our school system here in Canada isn't perfect. Never has been, never will be. But it's based on this beautiful and noble idea that if we give every child the same well rounded knowledge and experience then they will come out the other side happy, and knowing enough to know a little about everything and a lot about who they are. It's a dream ....... a goal ......... an important solution to this problem of balancing a future full of open doors with a slow enough pace to enjoy and appreciate what's behind each one. We know a school aged child's mind won't be ready to see that, so maybe the gift is teaching them nothing more than to be curious enough to open lots of doors and wise enough to figure out the ones to walk through. Send them to school. Just school. Let them fail and pass, let them make friends and lose them, let them take piano and quit piano, let them get bored and then curious, let them lead and get lost, let them teach what they know and struggle to learn what they don't. You can't expect to find a school or program which will perfectly fit your child any more than your child will ever perfectly fit a school or program ....... kids are each too unique for that. Don't worry about the gifts you're supposed to know they have, you can't know what they don't yet. So instead try your best to give them the gifts like curiosity, resilience, appreciation, honour, friendship, engagement, contentment, and happiness. Don't worry, you won't be perfect at it. Parenting is really hard. I mess up daily. I make a huge regrettable mistake weekly at least. I hope there is a gift in that too. We keep going. Our goal is 'delightfully and happily average' and hopefully they will be perfect at that.

"All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others." ~ Michael Carr

"I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." ` Albert Einstein 

*Refers to this: http://awesci.com/the-old-tale-of-a-boiling-frog/

Can Edmonton DRIVE change? ** Caution I swear a lot in this one **

Over the years, I have spent a great deal of time on traffic safety. I have joined committees, written articles, participated and promoted the now defunct ‘Edmonton Pace Car’ project. I’ve bitched, whined, moaned, and shouted. I’ve attended conferences. I’ve flipped the bird (or many thousands of birds). I’ve donned a dayglow orange vest and attempted to be part of a safety patrol. I’ve lost my shit and all my composure and retired the dayglow orange vest because I’m really not nice enough or mature enough to do safety patrol. And I’ve given up completely on the people of Edmonton to do what’s right.

Edmonton. I have lost faith in you. Utterly. Completely. Entirely. But I want to have faith in you again.

Somehow I believe our cars have made it ok to let our hearts go cold and unfeeling as those prisons of steel and glass we encase ourselves in to get around. Each and every day thousands of perfectly nice Edmontonians climb into their vehicles and become assholes. Yeah I said it. There are thousands of people each day who climb into their car and become “drivers” …. Mindless, selfish, aggressive, disobedient, rude, uncaring “drivers”. There might as well be a cactus behind the wheel for they are just as prickish and incapable of humanity. And, the thing is, it’s possible to choose to be otherwise. We can choose to retain our humanity behind the wheel and it will only cost us a few minutes each day.

Before you let fly the barrage of impotent, and frankly stupid, excuses for terrible behaviour behind the wheel please peruse the list of rationale retorts I have provided below.

1.       Yo, Ghandi, even if you don’t “like” the speed on a given road or feel it’s “too slow” it’s still the law. If you feel strongly about it, work to have it changed. Speeding down said road isn’t a noble act of civil disobedience. You’re not MLK just yet heavy foot. But before making the complaint to get that 50 zone changed to 60, maybe take a good look at the roadway in question. Are there lots of crosswalks? Are they light controlled? Are there parks, schools, or services for children or elderly in the vicinity? Is it a long, largely uninterrupted stretch of road that people can accidentally pick up too much speed on? Maybe “I just feel like I want to go faster” isn’t actually a good enough reason. Before you plan the sit-in, please ask yourself if you could just give 3 extra minutes to the cause of ‘greater human safety’ and just slow down the teeniest bit?

2.       Hey, Schumacher, that’s super cool and all that your kick ass driving skills are such that you can do Mach 10 down that road and still stop for every crosswalk, and see every runaway soccer ball, and dodge every bicycle. You must feel so proud. If you’re done stroking yourself, I’d like to point out that not every driver is of your calibre. Some drivers may be just new. Some drivers may be a little older and their reflexes not what they once were. Some drivers may be a little more nervous of bad weather, or unfamiliar with our roads, or experiencing high traffic volume for the first time. I would never advocate for anyone unfit to drive to be driving, but let’s just say not every driver possesses your god like reaction times and infallible decision making. For us mere mortals, things happen very fast even when we are our best most alert selves. And maybe, and I’m just thinking out loud, just maybe not everyone is such an arrogant blowhard and actually have a sense of their own human limitations. Maybe speed limits are not actually there to inconvenience YOU but to set a reasonable, common sense standard to hopefully ensure that PEOPLE get where they are going safely?

3.       Seriously, Burt, I GET it already. You’re in a rush. But this isn’t Cannon Ball run and it wasn’t yesterday or the day before either. Also, it still won’t be tomorrow so stop trying to explain why you’re riding my back bumper like a dry humping Shih Tzu. Unless you have a human heart in a cooler and need to get it to the hospital for transplant, you don’t need to go faster than traffic is flowing. Get off my ass. I give no shits for your opinion on the matter and trying to bully me into going faster than the speed limit is just that, it’s bullying. It’s not a nice way to be. And people who do it, statistically do it often. I know you think you can handle it, yet, year after year in Alberta, the cause of about 1/3 of casualty collisions is reported as “following too closely”. Your impatience could kill someone. That kind of impatience often does kill someone. Back off, turn up the tunes, enjoy the ride or learn to take a bus. YOU arriving 3 minutes sooner than everyone else doesn’t win you anything. https://www.transportation.alberta.ca/Content/docType47/Production/AR2013.pdf

4.       What’s that you say Hermann Maier? “I’ll just go around you, and around the next guy, and the next too, until I slalom my way to certain victory!” Erm, fine dude, except this isn’t the friggin’ Super G and your pathologically frequent lane changes are a menace. Each time you change lanes you take a risk. You make a snap judgement at full speed (or maybe even above speed for the road way) and the whole process is on you. Changing lanes 9 million times in a 15-minute commute to end up at work 2 ½ minutes earlier makes you a speculative plunger, not a high roller. And an asshole by anyone’s definition, because you’re not just betting your own safety or property. Apparently human error is responsible for at least 90% of all accidents (I googled it). Here’s just one article. http://cyberlaw.stanford.edu/blog/2013/12/human-error-cause-vehicle-crashes This stat doesn’t say much for us human beings in this department does it. This ain’t the Super G ………. It’s more like Roller Derby, and most of you just aren’t ready to change your name to Iron Maven. Pick a lane, handle your shit, the view ain’t any better in front of me than behind me. Driving isn’t a shell game, a race, or a derby. You can’t pick the fastest lane, and you can’t keep infinitely playing the odds and winning ……….. and I’d bet YOUR life on that, but not mine, so PLEASE slow down.

5.       Oi Vey Jordy. I know you have those amazing 22^nd century visor glasses and all, but can you really see through that frosted up windshield and that foot of snow on your hood blowing a blizzard into the windshield as you drive? Let’s take a moment to ensure our vehicles are ready for driving, BEFORE fucking driving. Buy a windshield scraper, and a brush. Use them. I wasn’t aware that needed to be said, but there you go.

6.       YooHoo! Doc McSteamy? Doc McHottie? Doc McStuffins? Pardon me, but are you phoning in that heart transplant to the Mazankowski? Oh, no, you’re just talking to your Mom about your date last night, or to your friend about your other friend’s dry chicken dinner, or to your bud about the game? …………… GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE!!!!!!!

7.       Oiy! Carnac the Magnificent! I love that when you peer into that crystal ball of yours it tells you that you will pass safely and those aren’t the droids you’re looking for ……. No, wait, no I don’t. I think you’re a defective asshole for thinking you can predict the future. When you blast past that kid on his bike and just “see” that he won’t skid or stop or veer …… you’re an asshole. He’s 10 and he needs you to anticipate his 10 ness. When you approach the lady in the crosswalk and time it just to pass behind her as she passes, without anticipating that she may trip, fall, stop, turn around, drop something, or that a person (you didn’t see) may cross into the space you are gunning for, then YOU are an asshole. Plan to stop. If they cross quickly and the crosswalk is clear then it’s your lucky day and go forth you fortuitous crumpet you. But plan to stop because you can’t predict the future and “I didn’t think your 8 year old, in the clearly marked crosswalk, was going to drop his soccer ball and stop” is not going to comfort any grieving Mother. In fact, say that, and I’d plan on sleeping with one eye open until the end of your days ………. I’ve been in several crosswalks where someone almost mowed down my kid, because they “timed it wrong” and those drivers better just be glad I don’t have lasers for eyes.

8.       For Pete's sake Han, this isn’t the Kessel run. No one gives a crap if you made it in 12 parsecs or 14. I shall repeat. No one gives a shit. Let’s call driving no faster than the posted limit on main roads and even slower on side roads the ‘handshake’ deal among those who care about others. It’s the unwritten agreement between those who actually have hearts and feelings about others. For no other reason but that ……. They care. Refusing to keep that covenant does not make you a hero, or a rebel, or an outlaw …… it just makes you an asshole. If I said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, if you think of yourself as a nice person and then get behind the wheel of your car and act like an asshole, then you are not actually a nice person. Because behind the wheel of your car is where people actually get killed. Over 2000 people each year die, and over 160 000 are injured in Canada because of drivers …… and each one is arguably preventable. https://www.tc.gc.ca/media/documents/roadsafety/cmvtcs2012_eng.pdf

9.       Oh Pinocchio! Jiminy can’t be in your pocket every second. My favourite (sarcasm font …. In bold Italics ….. and font size 72) excuse is “if it was such a problem then the police would stop me”. Ummmmmm, if you need your own private Police officer to follow you around every where and help you decide right from wrong then we have a pretty big problem. Can you imagine the court cases? “Your honour, I was unsure if stabbing that old lady and then placing her in my freezer while I went to cash the cheque for $11 dollars written to her grandson that I found in her purse was allowed. But no one showed up in a uniform to stop me, so it must have been ok.”  If you have a driver’s licence then you shouldn’t need anyone to tell you parking in a crosswalk is wrong, or speeding in a school zone is wrong, or failing to yield to pedestrians is wrong, or gunning down residential side roads to save 3 minutes is wrong, or tailgating is wrong, or any sort of behind-the-wheel-asshattery is wrong. If you need policing to drive courteously and well, then you shouldn’t be driving. It’s a privilege, not a right.

10       “Ummm Marie Antoinette wants you to eat cake because that’s how much she cares ….. you know, about the little people”. Look, self entitlement is ugly. And having an obtuse sense of privilege is down right disgusting. Knock it off. Edmonton seems to have an overabundance of people who believe their time is more valuable than everybody else’s. They get in their cars and expect the seas of traffic to part, parking spaces to materialize, other cars to move out of their way as they swerve dialing their phones or applying their mascara. They expect the royal treatment, but afford it to no one else, because no one else is deserving I guess, and because if EVERYONE drove like that it would be anarchy. Those who drive like they own the road can do so only because others have decided the roads belong to everyone. And it isn’t fair or right or OK. The psychology of entitlement is not encouraging. It’s a tough mindset to overcome but it is possible. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201303/9-types-entitlement-tendencies-and-how-overcome-them A big part of recognizing entitlement is realizing that you don’t think rules apply to you ….. that somehow you are special. And each time put yourself ahead of others and it pays off, that reinforces your viewpoint. This is a scenario that perpetuates itself so beautifully when we drive. If you break the rules more than anyone else, then you get ahead, and it’s their fault for not being important enough or strong enough or brave enough to follow suit (or at least that’s the rationale they use to make it ok). It’s dangerous. If I stood in the middle of my street and fired a high power rifle down the road each morning, I would be unlikely to hit anything, but playing those odds knowing how dangerous it could be would make me a monster, wouldn’t it? Is the selfish and dangerous behaviour only bad when something bad happens, or is it always bad? I know how I answer that question, how do you? I guess how you answer it may say something about the person you really are or the person you should strive to become.

Roads belong to people, not drivers, and certainly not cars. People. If we could just put ourselves in that frame of mind, just think how much nicer our roads would be, how much safer, how much more pleasant, and how much nicer …… and truly only a tiny teeny bit slower.

I feel like I’ve been writing about this same subject for my whole life, and that I watched people get worse instead of better for my whole life. Edmonton, I’m about to give up on you. I’m about to vote Trump, and get truck balls, and drown some puppies …………. No, just kidding. I couldn’t be such an asshole ……….. wanna join me in not assholing? Please. Please join me in the “just don’t be an asshole” movement. There’s no prize. There’s no cookie. There’s just the hope of a city to be proud of.