“There are three things we cry
for in life: things that are lost, things that are found, and things that are
magnificent.” ~ Douglas Coupland (Girlfriend in a Coma)
It’s the “last” Hip
concert ……… I don’t mean that to be facetious, and I actually hope I’m wrong …
I HOPE that I have 40 more years of watching Gord and the band play out my
Canadian rock poet fantasies, I hope he kicks this cancer shit to the curb and
leaves it there …………… but the odds aren’t in his, or my or anyone’s, favour …..
he is leaving us line by line, word by precious word.
When I started
watching tonight’s concert I thought I could handle it ………. As a fan from the
first album, a spectator to many a tour, and a lucky soul who saw the first
concert of THIS tour in Victoria, BC. Tuning in tonight felt like a patriotic
book ending of a National experience, a fan’s simple act of reverence. But it
was so much more. I wasn’t prepared for what happened tonight. The tearing
open of deep wounds. The hemorrhaging of emotions, this might really BE what
this really seems like, and they made it look easy enough to not seem like what
it is. The behind the scene of their embraces and kisses was so piercingly
intimate and genuine that it caught in your chest and let you know the night
was going to get pretty honest and pretty raw. They took to the stage with all
that grace and intimacy; as family.
“Any given moment – no matter how
casual, how ordinary, is poised full of gaping life” ~ Anne Michaels (Fugitive
Pieces)
There is a little friction
among the found fans and the old fans, the lost fans and the non fans ….. but
enough, this is not our path, for our Canadian path – the path that has always
defined us – is far more twisted and complicated than that. Our path is one of
misstep and overcoming, of individuality and unique weirdness ………. And what
could be more Tragically Hip than that? The truth is everyone, old and new
fans, true and fickle fans, have tried to pay tribute …….. tried beautifully,
and aren’t we better for the trying? Can’t that, at least, we all agree on? The
truth is that NOT all Canadians love the Hip, many don’t even like them, and
that’s ok …. Honest. The best way to describe why the Hip is still so relevant
to all Canadians is their mastery of the Canadian voice, their bent to the
crooked, their unique brand of weird …. And as Canadians we seem to adore that.
We can’t say why, but we do. You may not like the Hip, but chances are as a
Canadian you like love an artist or art form quite like them. We seem to
like our artists to show us the beautifully terrible and the terribly beautiful
about ourselves and then try to make those ragged pieces fit ….. to me that
sums up Canada.
“Yeah. We’re sweet but savage,
and I think a lot of Canadians are that way” ~ Bruce McCulloch, KITH
My family travelled to
Victoria, BC to see them open this tour. I was so grateful to have been able to
take our kids with us and also that they had seen the Hip tour before as well.
The Hip was well known for it’s quirky performances: Gord dancing and writhing
on stage, songs often taking sharps turns into dark places: tangents and tall
tales, and the amazing ability of the musicians to seamlessly keep up with the
ever changing landscape of their songs. God those guys can play. So, this tour
it really stood out how contained Gord was, how tightly the band played around
him (both in proximity and timing), and the strength it was taking to be there
(as a band and as a fan). I felt prepared for this CBC televised final concert,
because I had already seen one, but I wasn’t. I was a mess the moment they
started to play. Sobbing and overwhelmed. By the time they hit Little Bones
they had hit their stride but the awful truth of his illness kept shattering
the moments of perfect lucidity with waves from a broken brain, like ripples on
a still pond and all around helpless to stop it. My brother texted me as he
watched and made the insightful comment “I can’t help but wonder what he is
thinking … of us. Is he worried? That he will forget the words? He is using the
teleprompter because I think the cancer is eating the words away from him.” (He’s
a PhD in science but sometimes he can really turn a phrase) I answered back “the
brain finds a way, the rest of the show you watch his brain fire up and his
body turn to ash. He’s running on will. It’s phenomenal. I wish you could have
seen them live before, it was bizarre and wonderful, he danced and played with
the audience, he was a poet …. A poet with an amazing group of musicians who
joked he was a dancer. Every show was so weird and thought provoking and fun”.
But this tour? I’m not sure what we’re watching, we’re bearing witness to
something very personal, and it will be different for everybody.
“The first sentence of any novel
should be: trust me, this will take time but there is order here, very faint,
very human.” ~ Michael Ondaatje (In the Skin of a Lion)
The moments Gord
watched the crowd were so undefinable and very raw. This
feat that the band has pulled off, this experience they have generously shared
with their fans only worked because of the sincerity, authenticity, and
incredible vulnerability of the band members and their fans ..... something
small and precious and emotional; like a sun warmed piece of ocean glass
in your pocket. A mutual gift of gratitude. The band: Paul, Rob, Gord, and
Johnny somehow finding the power to will it all into being. I cannot fathom
where they found the courage and strength to honour their friend in this way.
“Conversation in it’s true
meaning isn’t all wagging the tongue; sometimes it is deeply shared silence.” ~
Robertson Davies (The Rebel Angels)
When Gord did speak it
was either to express gratitude or to issue a challenge. He is, at his core,
the kind of artist who likes to shine light into dark places, to never let a
self satisfied happiness go undisturbed. He expressed deep concern over the
state of the Northern peoples and specifically our Metis and First Nations
peoples. A parting shot reminding us we still had many wrongs to right. He
glowed over Prime Minister Trudeau and implored us to follow him where we need
to go on this. For what it’s worth I think Gord is right on both counts: that
Trudeau is worthy of the responsibility and that the responsibility is deeply
worthy of undertaking. Imperative in fact. I am so glad he did not shy away
from this part of himself. That this disease, this tour, this experience has
not eroded his character or sense of self. I love people who have a moral
compass that points straight and true, a good soul, a conflicted beautiful
messy unrelenting messenger. Cancer may be stealing his words, but not his
message. And the message he has always delivered has been one of the importance
of tearing open old wounds so we may try to heal them properly. To bear
witness. To tell stories. To never allow the pleasant to get in the way of the
real.
“I didn’t know how to say ‘I’m
sorry’ but the big tear that went out of my eye said it for me.” ~ Robert
Munsch (From Far Away)
“The two
most important phrases in the human language are ‘if only’ and ‘maybe someday’.
Our past mistakes and our unrequited longings. The things we regret and the
things we yearn for. That’s what makes us who we are.” ~ Will Ferguson
(Happiness)
When Gord hit the
stage in that amazing silver sparkling suit and they broke into “Something On”
the entire band seemed to exhale. The tight breath they all had been holding,
and everyone watching had been holding, suddenly exhaled. It was tangible. Joy
entered the room. The sorrow and the joy mingled as it had in Victoria a month
earlier, a feast of the bitter and the sweet. The joy fuelled the rest of the
night and honoured the pleasure they have clearly shared together over the
years. There was a quiet strength and dignity to it, a slow powerful beautiful
burn. I can’t imagine another band anywhere pulling it off. “Those guys fucking
love each other. I hope my kids can have friends they love that much” my
brother texted to me. “Yup” ……. Because how often does someone really let you
in like that to see? Brave isn’t a big enough word.
The void which would
be left by the loss of Gord Downie’s voice if we lose him will be immense. But
we can all endeavour to seek out the wealth of other Canadian artists … the
keepers of our voice, our Philosophers. Canada is full of people who express
the answers in search of our questions, who challenge us, who remind us of who
we are and who we could be. In fact, the only thing that saved me from utterly
falling apart during the entire CBC broadcast was putting pen to paper,
scrawling out words that passed through me, and soothed me. I searched for
words of other Canadian artists that resonated for me. I scribbled down
thoughts as they unfolded and the lens I watched through changed from one of
grief and loss to one of celebration and expression. I hope that people will
seek to express and actively find other Canadian artists who make them feel
like the Hip. I have shared many quotes throughout this blog from such Canadian
writers to inspire you. Please find the words that speak to you about this amazing,
complicated country. I think it could be essential.
“You wish you could tell yourself
that this is all too sentimental.
You want to agree with the person
who said, “There’s no salvation
in geography.”
that this is all too sentimental.
You want to agree with the person
who said, “There’s no salvation
in geography.”
But you can’t
and you’re beginning to suspect
that deep within you,
like a latent gene, is this belief
that we belong somewhere.”
and you’re beginning to suspect
that deep within you,
like a latent gene, is this belief
that we belong somewhere.”
~ Bronwen Wallace, a Poet from
Kingston who died of cancer at age 44 (excerpt from ‘Lonely for the Country’)
I’d still like to
believe that it won’t be true, that Gord Downie will live through this and
continue to front the Tragically Hip for decades. Maybe we can keep him. But
this felt like good bye; a knowing, bone deep felt good bye. And it felt so
incredibly special that they gave us the time and energy to do it. I wrote a
blog about my feelings after the band broke the news of Gord Downie’s illness
because I wanted to acknowledge how important they have been to me, even just
for myself (the link is below in case you're curious). I knew I would have to write again when the
tour was over, just as so many people have done, and express just how grateful
I feel to have experienced this. I have loved the Hip from their beginning. I
was there and we have grown together; they feature heavily in my soundtrack as
it were, and so many Canadians feel the same way. They have an ability to
create a song that feels written or performed just for you …. even when in a
room, a hall, a stadium, a Nation full of people who feel the same way. Hip
fans are all the authors of their own interpretations of Hip songs …… Thank you
Gord, Paul, Rob, Gord, and Johnny for being the
powerful subtext.
Let's get friendship right
Get life day to day
In the forget yer skates dream
Full of countervailing woes
Get life day to day
In the forget yer skates dream
Full of countervailing woes
In diverse as ever scenes
Proceeding on a need to know
In a face so full of meaning
As to almost make it glow
Proceeding on a need to know
In a face so full of meaning
As to almost make it glow
For a good life
We just might have to weaken
And find somewhere to go
We just might have to weaken
And find somewhere to go
Go somewhere we're needed
Find somewhere to grow
Go somewhere we're needed
Find somewhere to grow
Go somewhere we're needed
~ The Tragically Hip (excerpt
from ‘It’s a good life if you don’t weaken’)
In the end it was just Gord on stage as he simply
stated “Goodbye everybody. Have a nice life.” And no one doubted the sincerity
of that. It was just so fucking Canadian.
