I wrote this during the latest Provincial election for my own amusement. Perhaps it will amuse others.
I am announcing my run for office. Which office? It matters not.
If I am elected I will invoke the following:
Candidates running for all parties must pass a basic math competency exam. You can NOT bribe the voters by promising to lower personal taxes AND suck up to corporations by promising to lower corporate taxes AND promise to make the cost of living cheaper and paying dividends and get away with it. That is bad math; and since there is no money fairy clearly those candidates are lying or are really bad at math. Passing the math competency will allow us to prove the former.
Every future candidate will be given a campaign assistant, a used minivan, 40 hours of television or radio (for the entire 6 week campaign), and a $1000 Tims card. That’s it. No more buying votes, greased wheels, or influence peddling. Prove yourself, by yourself, that way you owe nothing to anyone when you actually win.
Any member of my party who is a fuckwit is out. If you speed in a school zone, yell at the waiter because your Perrier was flat, in fact even order Perrier, park in the premiers stall and then berate and threaten the job of the security guard who tries to get you to move your sorry ass, text while driving, take a kickback, say (EVER) “don’t you know who I am?” then YOU are a fuckwit and you are OUT! This list is not exhaustive and can be expanded upon request.
I will take the point of view that, in almost all cases, what is good for all of us is what is good for each of us. YOU are not special; neither am I, but we are all important. That is why the needs of us as a society together will take priority.
I will strengthen rights and their corresponding responsibilities. Our justice system will weigh whether or not you have lived up to your responsibilities, if not, you will lose your rights. Many will call me “a communist”; they can shove their ‘freedom fries’ right up their ass.
I promise to LISTEN to the issues before making a decision. I can’t tell you at this moment what each of my decisions will be because I don’t know the complexities of the actual ISSUES yet. Therefore I will not blow sunshine up your ass by pretending to know now. You will need to decide if you believe in the content of my character and the passion of my heart and vote for me only if you believe I WILL always try to make the best decision possible.
I will promise to remember that I am a PUBLIC SERVANT! I work for you. I will act like that, but you must remember that running for office does not mean that I find public ridicule, personal attacks, or defamation acceptable. I am a human being with feelings and we already know what the ‘unfeeling’ political pros can accomplish for themselves when they have no sensitivity or conscience.
Public servants and public institutions will strictly adhere to an egalitarian practice. You may certainly believe that your race, or gender, or sexuality is superior to another’s in your home or place of worship, but at work you WILL treat everyone as equal to you. Your rights are NOT infringed by someone else’s “being”. If you don’t like it then don’t BE it, but don’t think you get to be in anyone else’s way of being it. No; not on public dollars. Not on my watch.
I promise you WILL pay taxes, and so will the companies you work for. I promise to spend that money as ethically, effectively, and prudently as possible. I promise that the jobs I help create will be good ‘living wage’ jobs. I promise I will treat the workers in my jurisdiction as valuable and worthy. I will require businesses that operate within my jurisdiction to do the same. I will make people power valuable.
I will properly fund scientific research so we can once again become a leader in true medical advancement, not just pills that make millions of dollars by giving you a 6 hour erection. Research in all disciplines will be merit based not product based; in other words: actual science. Plus all those research foundations will stop calling me at home on a Tuesday night at 9:30 pm. It's win - win.
I will make the education of children paramount. All children will attend public school where through a variety of, mostly inclusive, methods the playing field will be leveled. Period. Creativity will be necessary to give each child what he or she needs to become a capable, engaged, happy citizen. We will not always succeed. Parents who expect their children be given special treatment at the expense of others will be sent to “don’t be a fuckwit parent’ school. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.
I will regulate products and industry. Producers and corporations who continually break rules which put consumers or workers in danger will not be allowed to operate in my jurisdiction. If there is melamine in the crackers you make, or someone drowns in your tailings pond, then you FAIL. I will not be a dumbass when utilities promise that deregulation will mean “choice” and “competitive pricing”. Gas prices jumping 3 days before a long weekend will be a felony. (No price collusion MY ASS.) Governments make rules about how companies and corporations can operate because PEOPLE COME FIRST.
Lastly, I promise to actually think about issues before making a decision. I know I said this already but it bears repeating. I will not be able to monitor every area of government so I promise to put smart, capable people who I trust on each portfolio. They may NOT even be members of my party. I will not appoint giggling hyenas who will leave office just to become lobbyists for the companies who we rewarded contracts to. I promise to punch any cabinet minister who ends up a paid figure head for a company he or she awarded contracts to while in office …….. in the throat ……….. very hard.